


Does Lorenz Hellman Gloucester Have a Small Penis?

by slotumn



Series: Continent of Fúckdlan [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Dirty Jokes, F/M, Ficlet, Inappropriate Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:08:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22673038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn
Summary: Answer: No.A.K.A. Lorenz makes the mistake of drinking with Leonie and her mercenaries.
Relationships: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Leonie Pinelli
Series: Continent of Fúckdlan [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632499
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50





	Does Lorenz Hellman Gloucester Have a Small Penis?

Lorenz believes that although commoners and nobles are different, it is still mutually beneficial for them to try to understand each others' cultures and customs. 

It is difficult to protect or respect people you know nothing about, after all. 

But this...

"So you're not letting me see your meat 'cuz it's small?"

"Leonie! You musn't put words into people's mouths like that!"

...this was something he simply could not understand as a human being, even if he was killed then revived the Goddess herself.

"Yeaaah, but you know what you can put into people's mouths?"

And perhaps he only had himself to blame for it, since he was the one who hired Pinelli Mercenaries to escort him to Fódlan's Locket, and mercenaries being what they are, they drunk hard and often joked about rather...uncouth subject matters.

But still, he truly expected better from Leonie, since she was a classmate from Officer's Academy who had, in fact, learned all the proper manners expected of high-class society, even if it was just to pass a test.

No, scratch that-- all formalities aside, the only reason why she would make such jokes at him was if she didn't see him as a man, a potential suitor, and that made him feel...

"Please, this sort of conversation is highly improper for two unmarried young man and woman to be having--"

"Not your dick, if it's really that tiny!"

"Leonie!!!!"

\---

The next morning, Lorenz woke up next to a certain busty orange-haired mercenary, who was grinning and smoking a cigar while he was busy trying to hide his naked body in the sheets.

What had happened?

"Well, they weren't kidding when they said the size down there is proportional to the height! Thanks for the sex, pal."

Oh.

"...ponsibility for it."

"What did you say?"

Leonie leaned in way too close, and he realized that there was no backing out of this now.

"I've let a woman defile my body before marriage, and there is no way to preserve my dignity as a noble other than to make you take responsibility for it!"

Her eyes, staring straight at his, widened.

"Huh?! You were a virgin?!?!"

"Why do you sound more surprised by that than the fact I just proposed to you?!"

"Proposal?? Like, marriage proposal???"

Lorenz sighed.

The way to inter-class understanding was going to be long and tedious...

...but probably worth it, if she wasn't going to accuse him of having a small dick again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote a lot of angsty shit lately, so here's something lighthearted with one of my other favorite rarepairs. 
> 
> I actually have something angsty in mind for these two as well, but honestly this is closer to my default dynamic for these two (=Leonie smoking in bed while Lorenz hides his face in the sheets).


End file.
